Written by Skoob1999
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Friday, 19 March 2010

image for Robert Pattinson Attends Launch Of New National Daily Newspaper
The Daily Recap - Yesterday's News Tomorrow!

Twilight star Robert Pattinson this morning attended the launch of the UK's first new national daily newspaper since The Independent as Guest of Honour. Taking time out from his busy schedule, the world's hottest movie star appeared relaxed and contented.

Pattinson's last minute appointment for the launch came as an almighty relief to the paper's Editor In Chief, Jack Fandom, whose initial fears that a satirist with a penchant for brevity and a subtle lack of humour would be spearheading the launch.

The fears were unfounded though, as Speccy The Scottish(?) Satirist Supreme couldn't make the gig as he was putting the finishing editorial touches to a discourse about gobbledegook, and ironically, a story about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart drinking Bloody Mary's in a New York bar with 'Silly' Cillian Murphy.

Which incidentally is pronounced Killian, not Sillian, thus rendering the 'Silly' aspect of the story not merely unfunny, but also highly improbable.

And just silly.

Pattinson, who didn't at any point reference Speccy in his speech, gushed the new paper's praises.

The Daily Recap will feature old news from days, months, even years ago for people who might have missed them the first time around. Such as the earth-shattering revelation that Google Earth comes from satellites originally used by the military, the CIA and the FBI.

Apparently, not a lot of people know that. But it's true.

The Daily Recap will also feature a joke section which nobody will understand, and the first edition will come with a DVD explaining the intricacies of gobbledegook.

The DVD is entitled 'Gobbledegook For Dummies.'

This news article was originally intended to be longer and more detailed, but Robert Pattinson kindly pointed out that it was going on and on and would only cause confusion among the politically challenged.

So we're off now for a pint.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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