Buckingham Palace, Friday 17 December (Rioters) - Amid guffaws of side-splitting laughter, Her Majesty the Queen has announced an imminent plan to publish a new Royal Website detailing all her portfolio of property assets in the United Kingdom and abroad. The move is widely believed to counter the latest suggestion by London's Mayor "Red Ken" Livingstone that he will privatise the Royal Parks and Hampstead Heath - all of which are in Her Maj's personal asset portfolio - because open air swimming at these outdoor sites has become a burden on the taxpayers who regularly use parts of the Heath for impromptu S&M sex encounters with rough trade.
"Red Ken has a very short memory", said a Royal spokesperson last night, "and has conveniently forgotten the last time he was flung in the slammer in the Tower of London for bothering HM with his socialist nonsense privatisation principles for London.
"When they last caught him cottaging on West Heath in 1970 with a foreign national subsequently identified as Georgi Markov - the former KGB spy who fell on a dioxin-spiked umbrella point outside No666 Yushchenko Gardens, Central London - Ken was put on probation and signed a pledge to always dispose of condoms thoughtfully in the litter bins provided.
"Sadly, he may have a touch of amensia or be suffering from what psychiatrists call 'missing time syndrome'- a principal factor in alien abduction cases, whereby political wannabees forget their true identities and distance themselves from other clan members of the dinosaur-related Hillman family of North London."
Meanwhile, the new website is believed to feature HM's own version of the BBC's current geneaological programme 'Just WHO the hell do you think you are anyway' with a detailed and extensive family tree linking Red Ken to all UK mainland bombings circa 1960 - 1998 generally attributed by Margaret Thatcher to the IRA, the Brinks Mat gold heist, the 1982 murder of "God's Banker" Roberto Calvi under Blackfriars Bridge in the City of London, the collapse of the dodgy BCCI, the $100billion Enron bankrupcy, recruitment of the notorious 9/11 Al Qaeda network and mass-scale theft and moneylaundering at the HSBC banking giant.
"This time we've got him by the short 'n' curlies!", said HM's litigation adviser. "He and Blunkett will roast together".