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Tuesday, 16 March 2010

image for Achilles by the Poet Laureate causes uproar in Scotland
please no, not the heel again

A new poem from the pen of the Poet Laureate would be expected to draw comment from posh newspapers and magazines. It is reported that the poem "Achilles" dedicated to Becks, not the beer, the guy with a sore heel is causing shockwaves across Scottish schools as it is introduced into the English curriculum.

Some headteachers are refusing to accept delivery of the "Poem" either by email, post, CD or DVD. One headteacher in Dundee has ordered all pirate copies be found and destroyed."Our students have been taught from an early age that this man's name is not to be used in any lesson, in any subject at our school. We have deliberately removed him from history, he never existed. Our students will become confused and upset if they now learn of his exploits. We do not wish to revisit, Argentina 1998, or show, BBC and ITV clips of the entire English nation going over the top again and again about their crap football teams only for it to end in tears to our media and sports history students. They think England has never been any good that is why we do not mention their football teams"

The man in the street in Dundee is equally unbiased. Three grown men were near to tears at the news of the poem. "No, please, not again" they wailed, "we have to watch all their reruns, we all know by heart the 1966 final commentary. How does it go, "some people are on the pitch they think it's all over........it is now". Thank you Poet Laureate, you have condemned us to listen to this poem all summer, while we have to watch reruns of his free kicks. We won't watch, This and the Tories wining the General Election, it's too bloody much!"

A professor of literature at St Andrews University summed it up thus:

"We could handle wall to wall sassenach footballers,they might break legs and arms but this, his heel, his heel, his heel!. I'm emigrating"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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