Susan Boyle was sensationally recruited by MI6 last night. Operating under the codename 'Double Oh SuBo - Licensed to Sing', her mission is to infiltrate the highly dangerous international gang known as the 'Red Scarf Brigade' and turn them purple.
Little is known of this notorious gang of fanatics, but they are known to operate in packs and destroy all in their wake. Attempting any kind of humour in their presence will result in snotty emails and the threat of 'blessings'.
Speaking from her secret hideout somewhere in Scotland, SuBo whispered "I already have some good clues! I found a few of these people in my garden recently, and they dropped their red scarves when they ran off. One had a distinct Canadian accent, and didn't appear to be wearing any underwear. Another dropped a stuffed monkey and a copy of my birth certificate."
It is thought she has been selected for this mission after recently seeing off a burglar. "Aye, I had Jimmy Burglar in a headlock! He won't be coming back!"
Members of the 'Red Scarf Brigade' are on full scale alert. "We have closed our doors entirely, and have guards at the borders issuing blessings every 5 minutes. Nobody will take our red scarves away!" said the chief fanatic on his way to the bank with a bag full of 'donations'.
It is suspected SuBo will be undercover as Piers Morgan to avoid suspicion. "They all love him there, so I should get in no questions asked! As long they don't start that bloody 'shipping' crap. Blerch!"