London - (Rotters): Hidden cold war files at the National Archive in Kew may hold the secrets of JK Rowling's nativity according to latest reports.
The serial children's book plagiarist had previously been assumed to be Anne 'Weakest Link' Robinson's natural daughter following a steamy one-nigh shag with ex-MI6 boss Sir Richard Queerlove.
But specimen swabs tested at the Kew secrets store have revealed that Queerlove, 109, was merely the cover-up artiste in a 45 year hoax.
"It was Ronnie alright who spawned Rowling," sources close to the former hatchet-wielding twins related today.
"He also ordered the hit on neo-fascist wannabe Prime Monster Margaret Thatcher that ensured she was replaced with the lookalike crone who's Cherie's real Mom," Deeper Throat explained.
Today's report also states that Gorgon Brown hid Venables/Thompson intelligence files in the 1998 Good Friday Agreement with the IRA.
Tory shadow national security advisor Pauline Neville Jones is a bonkers fantasist 'and probably Gerry McCann's birth mother'.