Hairbrush Dave, leader of the Conservative Party in the UK is a worried man. Gordon Brown is closing the gap in the polls by the day.
"We must think of new strategies to fool the dummy electors" he told Lord Tebbit, henchman and bloodhound of Maggie the destroyer.
"Don't worry, Hairbrush, I have a cunning plan to shatter Brown the boring, unelected, Scottish PM" snarled rottweiler Tebbit, "We can make it an England v Scotland game, frighten the Little Englanders from Kent to Cumbria as only we can".
"We will play Churchill's speeches ad nauseum, show endless videos of the 1966 World Cup Final, c'mon England, buy ITV and show "The Great Escape" every evening. The news at 10 will be cancelled, Beckham will do us voice overs, once he is taught to read."
"Will that be enough" weeped Hairbrush, head in hands, "Won't the Scots retaliate with pipe bands, Sean Connery's James Bond movies Rob Roy and "Braveheart"
"The Scots will have no TV , Hairbrush" grinned the roottweiler, "I have already had the SAS blow up all their transmitters and electricity station"
"Yes, spiffing move my Lord and master, can we also show our darling Maggies finest speeches, show her handbagging the Argies oh and we can have "Trumpton" on every day, I love that real life village saga" laughed Hairbrush as he smacked his bottom, Eton style.
" No, stupid, Maggie was me in disguise and "Trumpton was on the BBC - never ever will we show that to our English audience." said Tebbit, "but we will play "The Last Night of the Proms" nonstop on all radio stations from now until we win the election"
"Piece of cake" he sniggered, "and never bloody Dundee cake".