Written by St Patrick
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Topics: Ireland

Saturday, 13 March 2010

image for Unlucky Tourists Discover Reason Why Ireland is called IREland
Eva will not have fond memories of her visit

German tourist couple Adolf and Eva Snitzelbrugher discovered for themselves the true meaning of why Ireland is called by that name.

The loving couple had been on a romantic weekend, climbing mountains and valleys, visiting quaint country villages, watching stone walls being built and toothless old women playing accordions in thatch-roofed sheebeens when they mistakenly lost their map.

"It was only then that the nightmare began", said a still-shivering Adolf.


Without access to shit directions to tacky, tourist-oriented shite, the couple wandered aimlessly for several hours, meeting the most hideous, foul-mouthed creatures that God has ever seen fit to vomit upon the face of the Earth.

"We met a man watering his garden. He asked us what the fuck we were doing on his property and then chased us away with a shotgun. He said he didn't like our sort around here...and we thought the Irish were a kindly peoples", sniffled Eva.

What Eva and Adolf encountered was the legendary IREland: a place hidden for centuries with leprechauns, beer with the texture of stodgy soup and red-headed children on horseback.

"Until we got lost we were lead to believe that Ireland was a backwards, rural backwater - it still is, of course - but a backwards, rural backwater with Internet access, expensive houses, cars, vast shopping centres and sex", sobbed Adolf into his German sausage, "I never knew the Irish had sex. I just thought the little magical people grew from the lush, green earth...or cabbages".

This secret Ireland - a land of anger, distrust and hatred - is probably fueled by all the hoarded leprechaun gold at the ends of the rainbow. Or not. Either way it doesn't really matter a jot. The fact is it does indeed exist.

"Imagine going to France and discovering that they weren't all compete and utter bastards. Or to India and seeing that your handbag wasn't knicked and you didn't shit your pants. Or South Africa and coming home without being killed. Thats how we feel now. We've been let down", sniped Eva.

A spokesperson for the Irish government has promised to make sure that tourist's in future never loose their maps and stray into non-tourist friendly areas - which means everywhere but Galway city, Kerry and Donegal.
Extra provisions of alcohol are being given to children, adults, and dogs to encourage more light-hearted, friendly cheer.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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