Written by Thinctanc
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Wednesday, 17 March 2010

image for Bird charity informer blows the lid on decades of bird slaughter
Birds of a feather died together, claims charity turncoat.

An informer who broke ranks with a highly respected bird charity has been revealing the dark secrets of how the organisation covertly slaughtered millions of birds it was supposed to be protecting.

According to Joey Calipso, the charity lost its way in the mid 1990s when current President, Donald 'Donnie' Hughes, took over the charity.

"I get the feeling Donnie was only in it for the money and power," said Calipso. "I didn't see too much wrong at first, but then he called me into his office saying he had some new ideas to run past me. That's when he revealed to me that he had a phobic hatred of birds and wanted to wipe them off the face of the earth."

Secret name change

According to Calipso's court testimony, Hughes secretly changed the society's name to the 'Society for the Prevention of Birds,' though this was never revealed to the public. The anti-bird crusade began mildly enough, Calipso was ordered to place scarecrows near duck ponds ("Just to freak them out a little"), but soon Hughes' campaign was taking a sinister turn.

"One of my main duties was to starve cats till they were rabid with hunger," explained Calipso. "We'd release them into woodland early in the morning when we heard the birds start singing. I would have to start at 3AM some mornings. I got back one day and Donnie calls me into the office saying he had a little business to discuss."

Tweeting little feckers

"Donnie says straight out, 'have you got an air rifle?' and I said, 'No,' So then Donnie says, 'Well, you'd better get yourself one. We're gonna teach those tweeting little feckers a thing or two'."

"We started driving round various neighbourhoods taking potshots at anything we saw with feathers. Donnie accidentally shot a woman in the head with a peacock hat on. He just laughed."

Swan's off

Most of the charity were kept in the dark about the mass bird cull initiated by Hughes, but suspicions began to arise after a particularly gruesome fundraising Barbecue at Hughe's Suffolk mansion.

"Everyone was having a great time at the barbecue until Donnie started running low on meat for the guests," explained Calipso. "Next thing you know, he comes out, wheeling a huge wheelbarrow piled up with dead birds. There's peacocks, parrots, sparrows, crows and all sorts on there. Donnie just slumps this huge rotting swan carcass onto the barbecue and invites everyone to tuck in. Some girl screamed and said she was going to call the police and so Donnie just grabs the swan's body by the head and tosses it over his neighbour's fence like some Olympic thrower."

It was this incident that persuaded Calipso to turn himself in and tell all he knows. He is now living with someone else's family under a witness identity swap scheme. Donald Hughes has denied all the allegations made in court and will begin testifying next week.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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