Secretary of state for health Andy Burnham yesterday outlined government plans to tackle the rising obesity problem by giving the obese 'a damn good kicking'.
'For years now the government and the department of health have championed the benefits of a healthy lifestyle', Burnham, 41, told the house of commons. 'We have vigorously promoted thirty minutes of exercise, three times a week along with the importance of five portions of fruit and vegetables a day but still levels of obesity are on the rise and now is the time for radical action'.
'Now is the time to slap some sense into these fat bastards'.
Despite initial fears of opposition to the plans by the medical profession it would now seem as though GP's throughout the country are behind the health secretary.
'I have always advised my patients struggling with the debilitating effects of obesity to follow a calorie controlled diet and a sensible exercise regime based on each particular patients individual needs', said Oxford GP Dr Mohammad Hossain. 'This new government initiative allows me to abandon that often unsuccessful method and simply bitch slap the next fat fucker who wobbles into my surgery'.
There are reports that the health secretary's first port of call will be prime minister Gordon Brown but he was unwilling to confirm this story.
'All I will say on this matter is that the prime minister is carrying a few extra pounds and though certainly not obese, I would advise him from now on to sleep with one eye open'.