Susan Boyle, the lady with the voice that thrills, has left her Scottish mansion in the hands of a family member and has returned to her quaint wee hoose in Blackburn, West Lothian.
It is reported that her guests, among them John Terry and Ashley Cole could not resist a return to their previous bad boy behaviour and all ended up pissed as newts. Susan chucked them all out and has now gone into the luxury holiday market. Tiger Woods, who has tried so hard to cure his addiction, was reported bereft at this latest news.
"We got along so well" he said, "Susan took care of me and I was doing good. I cannot apologise enough for my mistakes and Susan understood my frustration but others simply will not accept that I am so sorry for what has happened. At least, I'll get all my servants back now and enjoy my luxury US hampers. Whooooopeeeee! Nae mair crap! That Scottish stuff they feed us is not fit for eating."
Meanwhile, Susan is smiling all the way to one of the banks she now owns. Life has turned out well for Susan. She has kicked Piersy into touch, much to the chagrin of some subo fanatics and is reportedly ready to take legal action against a fansites members alleged misuse of her recordings in rubbish videos.
"I canna believe the lengths they go to, silly women they are" she said "Tracking all my flights on the Internet, twittering all day, sending me all that trashy mail with rubbish gifts. The charity shops won't even look at it. They should get a life. Still all those cards make fine compost for my garden. And all the stamps I steamed off will raise a lot for charity".
"Now back to suboculture, meeting up with Billy Connolly again soon. Somebody wrote a braw story about that, it fair made me laugh. I liked it and I gave it 5 - he! he! just like that Janice would say on Juke Box Jury all those years ago. What a time he had with thae lassies learning to speak like we do in Scotland! They think they ken it all but, OMD, they have a lang way to go yet"