Written by John Kerruish
Print this
Topics: Ashley Cole

Monday, 8 March 2010

image for Man appalled at thought of 'inevitable' sex with Ashley Cole
Brian believes Cole's lack of women will not stop him.

Manchester factory worker Brian Hilton has expressed his horror at what he believes is now an inevitable sexual encounter with disgraced footballer Ashley Cole.

'It seems everyday another crop of beautiful women appear in our newspapers and television screens with revelations of their encounters with the England defender', said a deflated Brian, 52, 'but what happens when the women run out?'

Brian believes it is only a matter of time before Cole, currently playing his club football with Chelsea, exhausts the female population and turns his attention to the men.

'This kind of sexual deviant knows no bounds and will get his kicks any way he can', sobbed a tearful Brian. 'I live in fear everyday that the next text message may be from Ashley, some phone picture of him manipulating his genitals and giving me those come to bed eyes'.

When asked how he plans to confront Cole when the moment arrives, Brian seems resigned to his fate.

'It's probably best just to shut my eyes and hope it's over as quickly as possible. There will be tears, not just for myself but also for Cheryl, who will be in my heart and prayers as he slaps my flabby buttocks and slobbers over my hairy shoulders'.

Make John Kerruish's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 2 multiplied by 4?

5 8 11 23
36 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more