Manchester factory worker Brian Hilton has expressed his horror at what he believes is now an inevitable sexual encounter with disgraced footballer Ashley Cole.
'It seems everyday another crop of beautiful women appear in our newspapers and television screens with revelations of their encounters with the England defender', said a deflated Brian, 52, 'but what happens when the women run out?'
Brian believes it is only a matter of time before Cole, currently playing his club football with Chelsea, exhausts the female population and turns his attention to the men.
'This kind of sexual deviant knows no bounds and will get his kicks any way he can', sobbed a tearful Brian. 'I live in fear everyday that the next text message may be from Ashley, some phone picture of him manipulating his genitals and giving me those come to bed eyes'.
When asked how he plans to confront Cole when the moment arrives, Brian seems resigned to his fate.
'It's probably best just to shut my eyes and hope it's over as quickly as possible. There will be tears, not just for myself but also for Cheryl, who will be in my heart and prayers as he slaps my flabby buttocks and slobbers over my hairy shoulders'.