An elderly widow from Milton Keynes was shocked to discover a family of 8 illegal immigrants sleeping in a bag of Fair Cop bananas she bought from her local supermarket.
Daisy Upton, 73, said, "Ooh, well, now there's thing. I did think the bag was a bit heavy and so had to ask the simple boy who does the trolleys to help me home with them. I was going to make something I'd seen that lovely Jamie Oliver do on his Christmas show for my grandchildren, but I opened the bag and this big hairy man wandered out. He was only in his vest and smalls, I didn't know where to look."
She immediately telephoned the RSPCA, who cordoned off the area with patriotic flags and bunting to prevent any contamination of British sovereignty. A Foreign Office zoologist who examined them found distinct markings on a football shirt that identified the immigrants as Kurdish.
The immigrants were taken away to be prodded by doctors and tagged by the BBC wildlife unit in Bristol.
Writing in his editorial column, Muck Gripping, The Daily Mail's 'Foreign Types' correspondent urged the decent public to be cautious when discovering immigrants. "It might seem all fun and exciting to discover exotic people in your fruit, but this is not like some free toy in your cornflakes. Some of these people come from some very strange and faraway places and could be poisonous."
Right to be free
To help prevent any panic, The Daily Mail will be giving away a series of patriotic DVDs called 'Utter Bulldogs' beginning with 'The Dam Busters.' (Collect 85 different-coloured tokens or pick up from any gas station in Nevada. UK residents only.)