Written by Thinctanc
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Thursday, 4 March 2010

image for New government campaign targets spontaneous human combustion
"You couldn't reach a glass of water," warns Chief Fire Officer, Arnold Flex.

Costing 3 billion pounds, the new hard-hitting government safety campaign, aimed at cutting fatalities from spontaneous human combustion, will show a man whistling nonchalantly like some kind of idiot while smoke rises all around him.

Featuring the message, "you think you'd know if your legs were on fire, but you wouldn't," the campaign will try to persuade people to have a free smoke alarm fitted to their heads.

Chief Fire Officer, Arnold Flex, paints a grim picture of what can happen when a victim suddenly bursts into flame. "As you can see from my painting, there's a man here who's on fire and screaming 'aaaaaaaaaargh,' because fire hurts a lot, and this down here was supposed to be a glass of water that he was trying to reach but couldn't, but I went a bit wrong... I am not a brilliant painter, I'll admit."

When asked how often the fire brigade are called out to deal with spontaneous human combustion, Chief Officer Flex admitted that they had never had to deal with it, which is why he had done a painting.

We telephoned the Communities and Local Government Office to ask why so much money had been spent on this campaign, but were simply told that "complacency breeds germs."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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