Daytime TV presenter Richard 'Dickie' Docker has been found dead at his East Hackney flat, dans le position 'Hutchence'.
The 32-year-old host of BBC1's Mortgage Me to the Hilt was pronounced 'tabloid gold' after his ex-partner, a former conman and estate agent, called journalists and photographers to the scene.
In an official tweet, a police spokesperson wrote "We can only assume that the death was the result of a bizarre wanking accident; if the public is content then we're happy to leave it be."
A plate, a remote control and a copy of the Radio Times were removed from the scene, The Hackneyed Spectacle can knowingly reveal.
It is believed that Docker leaves behind £2m of debt, which a close friend says he was expected to pay off over 25 years after making a Faustian pact with a notorious société de bâtiment.
The former property developer also leaves behind a legacy of daytime television shows such as Airlooms for Euro Disney and I Never Knew Granny Had One Of Those.
A former colleague of Docker's said as the news broke last night: 'Dickie was an absolute card. He'd often turn up half an hour late for filming with a black eye and a bridesmaid's gait. But he was a truly creative spirit and I think that's why we all let him get away with it'
The Cash for Gold generation posted de rigueur messages on Facebook and Twitter, which can be loosely grouped as condoling:
Terri Fick wrote: Heaven was missing a Gangel. RIP Dickie xxx :-)
Terry Fuddlepuck posted: Why do the beautiful dye young? I spose we cud all run under a bus today!!! Live for the moment ppl overwise you cud end up wanking 2 death LOL Downt take life 2 serius :-s
Also, tonight on BBC 4 as part of the 'Dickie' Docker season:
An undisclosed journalist's struggle to produce a bowel movement is captured for the full unsettling 90 minutes illuminated only by the arbitrary flickers of strip lighting. Guest appearance at the end by Kilroy-Silk (if you squint).
(Dir. Shitz Lang) (Subtitled)