Written by Don Merlot
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Topics: Crime, Violence

Wednesday, 3 March 2010

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Police are claiming victory against criminals following statistics showing that non-violent crime has been completely eliminated.

The latest figures from the Bureau of All Statistics (BallS) show that not a single incident occurred over the course of the last 12 months. However, the figures did show that every single person in the UK had been the victim of some sort of violent crime over the same period.

Chief Constable Tony Dobbin says the results are impressive.

"Granted, everyone's been physically hurt over the course of 2009-10. But we know that career criminals start off with non-violent crimes like stealing a Twix, or littering. So our plan is to wait for this current generation of admittedly now very violent criminals to die, then we should have a completely crime-free society."

Much of the shift from non-violent to violent crime has been put down to tough new penalties for things like dropping fag-ends in the street, while there remain relatively lenient sentences for attacks or the carrying of weapons.

This has seen some lesser criminals actually start to incorporate violence into their offences to incur less punitive penalties. Don Merlot has previously reported on the case of an accountant who was facing several decades in jail for embezzlement, but who was let-off on community punishments because he would be constantly hitting his secretary in the face with a shovel whilst doing the paperwork.

Another man who repeatedly parked on double-yellow lines in Cirencester would drag a cheese-grater across the traffic warden's face to avoid tougher punishment. Chief Constable Dobbin added:

"Nobody likes to see a man with a nobbly head - but it did make the culprit easier to catch... so it was probably worth it. Thanks for taking one for the team, cheddar-bonce."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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