Written by Bill Licks
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Topics: TV, Millionaire

Tuesday, 2 March 2010

image for A Secret Millionaire inadvertently helps another Secret Millionaire
Money goes to money

A millionaire who appeared on the popular Channel 4 show, the Secret Millionaire, kept his secret so well hidden that he was given a large sum of money by another Secret Millionaire.

Geoff Bastard, the young entrepreneur who made his fortune selling cigarettes and alcohol to school kids, received a £50,000 cheque from Jemima Smythe-Horsington, after she believed that he was just a normal working class, recovering alcoholic who shared a cramped one bedroom flat with four other people.

'It was a strange encounter,' revealed Bastard 'but when I first met her I stank of booze after a night on the town getting absolutely shit-faced with my camera crew so she immediately assumed I was a downtrodden alcoholic.'

'I asked her why she had a camera crew with her and she told me they were just filming a documentary about poor people from the point of view of a poor person like herself. I was immediately suspicious as she was very well spoken and she would only speak to me through a megaphone from the other side of the street, refusing to come any closer because she had rare allergies or something.'

'She also never once questioned why I had a camera crew with me either. I guess she just thought all poor people had camera crews hanging around with them.'

'But I gave her the benefit of the doubt and thought maybe she'd fallen on hard times after the credit crunch and she was in need of cash to help set up her inner city horse grooming business.'

'So after going through the first three parts of the show pretending that I wasn't a millionaire, I waited until just after the last lot of TV adverts and was about to hand over a cheque to her when she suddenly pulled a cheque out of her handbag and threw it at me as she sped off in her chauffeur driven Bentley shouting 'I'M REALLY A MILLIONAIRE, BYE'.

'I was shocked. I'd never have thought she was loaded and I must have been so convincing that she believed I was down on my luck too.'

'I kept the cheque. I thought about giving it to charity but as I'd already been fooled once, I wasn't gonna let some other scrounging fucker fool me into parting with my cash'

'It did put all back into the community eventually though. I spent all the cash on cocaine and hookers so the local pimps and drug dealers definitely benefitted from her kind donation'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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