Goldaming, Slurry - (Offside Mess): A fleeting five minute penalty shoot-out between the estranged couple has seen Ashley Cole claim he's been deliberately stitched up by professional marriage-wreckers.
The Chelsea player has told wife Cheryl that the lurid SMS messages are the work of miffed Arsenal sluts 'who lost a packet on failed premiership betting scams.'
The clever deception is the latest in a spate of celeb stitch-ups masterminded by SlagsAnonymous, Ashley supporters confided today.
The Coles were briefly reunited today at their palatial nine bedroom Godalming villa Hurtmore House.
Psychic mediums have bombarded Cheryl recently with claims that the house name is jinxed 'because it's an anagram of Her Homo Uterus and 'Hush! Our Meteor'.
Toni Terry is 69.