It is with considerable sadness that we must report that we have learned the world renowned singer Susan Boyle is being kept in a drugged-out, robotic state. Doctors have been called in repeatedly to administer a mind-numbing cocktail of mood altering drugs.
"This has become necessary," a spokesperson for her management team stated, "because we could no longer control her free-spirited performances and she was become an embarrassment. Her conduct in airport waiting rooms has become a nightmare. The incident with the mop at Heathrow was the last straw.."
Simon Cowell stated, "I'm fine with this as I need to make another one hundred million off of her to pay for my up-coming wedding. Only the most superficial and shallow people will be invited. Piers Morgan, of course, will head the guest list."
Family members are divided as to whether Susan should be kept in a padded cell in the dungeon of the castle Brother Gerry bought with her money. "I do hope she will be well enough shortly to record a best-selling album as I have yet another idea for a business venture which I need to finance."
A no longer distraught Dr. Robot enthused, "I have finally found my soulmate -- another robitic personality."
Susan Boyle was too stoned to comment.