Written by Earl Grey
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Saturday, 27 February 2010

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For Hire-Dial 999

The Metropolitan Police have launched a new scheme in order to combat crime in a modern way. The traditional 'bobby on the beat' is a huge strain on resources and is now largely unworkable. It will be replaced with the new personal officer scheme.

The scheme will work by allowing a member of the public to purchase the use of their very own Police Officer. The officer will then travel everywhere with the member of the public, thus ensuring their safety. Prices are to start at £1000 per day.

Civil rights groups have slammed the scheme. Sammy Jackybatty of Liberty said "Once again huge sections of the community will be at a disadvantage. what will happen to those who can't afford the scheme? Huge areas will become lawless, no-go places where criminals are free to do their worst. So, it will be just like it is now."

Jack Straw, Secretary of State for Justice and official representative of twitching nutters in parliament, said "I'm very proud of this scheme. It's one of my best ever ideas. Just like when I said hats should be made of cheese."

If you do purchase your own personal police officer you will also be responsible for anyone arrested. This will lead to spare rooms and garages being turned into police cells. Habitual thief Stig O'Treacy said "It's fine if you get a nice room with maybe a balcony. But what if you get a leaky old garage? I think the rights of criminals have been overlooked by this government yet again."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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