Sex Education in schools in England and Wales has been slammed as 'woefully inadequate' in a report released by the Health and Safety Commission.
The report says that too much emphasis is placed on the biological details and consequences of sexual activity and that there is far too little emphasis on what can befall people while they're actually doing it.
The commission complains that students are not warned that having a vigorous sexual workout when you're about eighty years old can induce a heart attack. It goes on to say that teens should be warned of the dangers of having sex in the backs of cars, and how that can lead to ankle injuries if participants stick their feet out of the car window.
One paragraph states that students are not at any point discouraged from coupling in big cat enclosures at their local zoo, whilst a further paragraph warns of the dangers of stand-up copulation on clifftops.
Having sex in public places is also not categorised as being unsafe, even though it probably would be if there happened to be a police officer present.
A spokesman for the Health and Safety Commission told us:
"Our kids should be warned about all the possible dangers they face when they're having sex. It can be a pretty hazardous prospect, especially if the kids are sky diving, or pot-holing, or lying on an airport runway. Our kids deserve to be kept fully informed."
"That's just stupid," a Sex-Ed teacher told us. "We don't have the time to delve into such minutiae. When I was a teen I was banging my girlfriend up against the hallway wall at her parents' house when her Shetland Sheepdog jumped up and bit me on the arse. There was blood everywhere. Well, not exactly everywhere, but there was a bit. So what am I supposed to do? Warn my students not to have knee-tremblers because a Shetland Sheepdog might bite them on the arse?"
More as we get it.