Written by queen mudder
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Thursday, 25 February 2010

image for Succubus whoremoans (sic) blamed in hexed Chelsea FC locker room exorcism
The succubus was dressed in Chelsea club colours

London - (Offside Mess): Have a fiendish she-devil's pheromones cursed the brains of Chelsea Football Club players?

Management was forced to call in FA 'ghostbusters' after a spectral apparition was seen in the players' steam-room.

Cackling horribly "like a demented Faria Alam on crack" the ghoul was heard mouthing 'Gotcha Ashley Cole!' while cavorting in a Girls Aloud dance routine.

Terrified club linesmen say the phantom has also been singing 'Terry's a sucker' and turning the steam in the sauna room blue.

Local historians reckon the Stamford Bridge dressing room stands on a cursed ancient public weigh (sic) bridge site.

This was used in medieval times to weigh cattle and suspected witches who were burnt to death on Saturday afternoons before other sports became popular.

According to the 15th century Malleus Maleficarum exorcism primer only the altruistic sacrifice of a love rival could reverse the curse imposed on the site.

Former Chelsea FC and Man City left back Wayne Bridge helpfully backed out of a World Cup confrontation with CFC captain John Terry today.

The two have been linked by UK tabloids over sharing the many, not unpleasant charms of French ligerie model Vanssa Perroncel.

Cheryl Cole's Ma is a raving loony.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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