London - (Year of the Bull): The hostage taking row escalated today after Somali pirates claimed to be on a derisory fixed retainer from a bullying helpline.
The renegades, who have been holding Paul and Rachel Chandler captive for nearly four months now, have demanded better pay and conditions in their fledgeling hostage-taking business.
But all they have been offered so far is cognitive therapy training, barter skills and a fortnight at a shrinks' charm school specialising in something called Neuro-Linguistic Programming.
"Fucking useless," their spokesperson said today.
"We want crude tankers, jewellery-laden WAGs and slags, maybe a six bedroom Mayfair townhouse and 50 inch telly.
"Got any tips for the Grand National?"