Local man Martin Shuttlecock, could barely contain his excitement when wife Anne returned from her customary Saturday shopping extravaganza to announce that she had brought him back a special treat.
After helping to unload the family car of myriad shopping bags, Shuttlecock waited in agonised ecstasy for Anne to reveal his surprise gift.
It was a hat.
Not a good DVD, computer accessory, good book, magazine or anything like that.
Not just any old hat. A particularly stupid looking hat. A black woollen thing with a neb on the front and sides that can be turned down to cover the ears.
Shuttlecock was horrified.
"I'm not fucking wearing that!" he screeched. By this point he was bordering on hysteria.
"Don't you like it?" wife Anne asked, all sweetness and innocence.
"Like it?" Shuttlecock seethed. "Like it? It makes me look like a fucking gay cossack you silly cow!"
Anne Shuttlecock's eyes narrowed and her nostrils flared. For a moment it seemed like she was all set to mount a charge. But she must have had a change of heart. For some reason. Martin Shuttlecock also appeared to momentarily mellow.
"Thanks for the hat love," he was heard to utter. "It's a nice thought, but who wants to look like Paul O'Grady on a skiing holiday?"
At which point, Anne Shuttlecock snapped. She was heard to mutter something about her husband being a miserable, ungrateful prick.
After that came the screams, the banging, and the sounds of splintering wood and twisting metal.
A hospital spokesman confirmed that surgeons had successfully removed the hat and a mobile phone from Shuttlecock's arse, but that they were still working on removing the mountain bike as it's a complicated procedure.
More hat related frolics as we get them.