The answer to the meaning of life has always eluded mankind. For centuries our philosophers have pored over this ponderous question that concerns the purpose and significance of our humble existence - until now, that is!
Yesterday afternoon, Dudley resident Mr Alan Mansell finally cracked the riddle that has beleaguered the finest minds on the planet for thousands of years - Alan Mansell discovered the meaning of life!
Asked how he managed this when so many others - illustrious names all - had failed, he said, "It was easy, like. The answer was lying there in the dictionary, right between the meanings of "lieutenant" and "lifebelt. I honestly don't know what all the fuss has been about, and how anyone didn't notice it before!"
Alan Mansell is described as being an ordinary man. He did not attend university, in fact, he left school at 15 without even an "O" Level to this name. Some may even say that Mr Mansell is a bit thick, and they wouldn't be all wrong either.
Professor Ima Van Kaer from the University of Birmingham was not too impressed when he heard the news. "He's not the first one to discover the meaning of life, you know. I myself discovered it shortly after I learned to read at the age of minus three. I have an IQ of 665, you know."
Reciting from memory just a little bit too smugly, Professor Van Kaer continued, "The meaning of life: 'being alive, animals' and plants' abilities to function and grow.' That's the Oxford Dictionary meaning of life. Other dictionaries may have a different take on it, but they all say pretty much the same thing."
When confronted with the facts that his meaning of life had been known by the publishers of the dictionary all along, Alan Mansell said, "If that's true, then why have the f***ing philosophers been searching for the meaning of life for so long? Couldn't they have just nipped down to the local library and borrowed a dictionary? That's what I did!"