Would-be UK immigrants will need to brush up on their queuing etiquette if they want to add "Wait" to their citizenship applications and become "True-Queue Brits", immigration minister Den Stwitte announced yesterday.
'The simple and courteous act of patiently awaiting one's turn is a cornerstone of the British way of life', the minister said. 'Whether waiting to board ships bound for America during the Highland Clearances, queuing up in their Lancaster bombers to incinerate German cities, or simply allowing their lives to waste away while buying lottery tickets, the British people have always prided themselves on their ability to form an orderly queue.'
'It is crucial that new citizens are capable of queuing, whether it is for a cup of tea or a bus. They will also have to queue for things like a bus or a cup of tea, and they can expect to have to queue up for staple items like buses and cups of tea.'
And Den Stwitte had a special warning for hot-headed foreigners. 'As well as queuing for cups of tea and buses, prospective immigrants will need to show that they can stand in line to hurl abuse at Tony Blair and British troops returning from Afghanistan.'
Ministers claim that immigrants can create strife when they barge to the front of queues, setting fire to women and children and decapitating those who get in their way - all common practices in less-civilised nations.
Applicants can become instant citizens if they score more than 15% in the "queuing exam", it was revealed by a source from the immigration ministry yesterday. 'Simply by choosing multiple choice options like "do you like waiting in queues?", "are you happy to wait in a queue?" or "do you think queues are good?", an applicant can qualify for British citizenship there and then. Many applicants have qualified like this', claimed the source yesterday, 'even when they have also made statements on their forms such as "Death to the Infidels", "Mrs Victoria Queen is the first lady English Prime Minister whose husband is Winston Churchill the inventor of Christmas", or "I wish to live near a castle of Harry Potter and Mrs Tiggywinkle. Also Mary Poppins house too. My Father eats the babies. We would wish a bath for sacred crocodile in your mansions of London, and a big pot for fat missionaries to boil."'
I spoke to our source yesterday, as we queued for drinks at authentic Fleet Street watering-hole "The Child Prostitute & Peerage".