London - (Lady-From Shag-Hai Mess): A Russian espionage totty squad has infiltrated the UK Premiership spooks warned today.
The motley Mata Hari crew has ditched wayward £10,000+ per week footballers to concentrate on the 'real Premiership' - of British Prime Monster Gorgon Brown.
Spolier slags - mostly two-a-penny porn stars and glamor models - continue to distract national headlines with their off-side shagging antics.
But these are nothing more than carefully choreographed PR stunts geared to mermerising a semi-comatose UK electorate.
Confidential files seen by Spoof reporters allege that up to 100 KGB male escorts have penetrated senior Downing Street advisers in the run up to the general eledction.
Their honeytrap missions were planned decades ago during Russia's notorious mobster turf wars for valuable foreign client-dictator signings.
Last year up to a dozen senior UK Cabinet members were targetted by Mile High Club espionage operatives offering comfort services on longhaul government business trips.
And at least five Cabinet ministers have been secretly implanted with satelitte tracking devices monitored by Russian oligarchs' stink tanks.
A parallel campaign to penetrate the Tory Party is only partially funded by the Russians due to so many of the Opposition Front Benches having been infiltrated by Labour many years ago.
Peter Mandelson's espionage codename is Giganticus Rex.