Written by Bill Licks
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Topics: Lottery, Beards

Monday, 15 February 2010

image for Britain's biggest lottery winners already broke
Money - A fucking shitload of the stuff

It was a dream come true for a bearded couple from Gloucestershire today when they came forward to reveal that they were the winners of the 56 million pound Euromillion lottery prize.

But within hours of going public and receiving the cash the couple confessed they were already broke and that the money had bought them nothing but misery.

'It's all gone' said Mr Beardyface 'every last penny.'

'We thought we'd be happy forever' added Mrs Beardyface 'but it's true, money can't buy happiness. My husband has already tried to take his like three times in the last 10 minutes'

'It was all going great in the first hour after winning' continued Mr Beardyface, 'We bought a nice new semi in Cheltenham, a brand new top of the range Ford Focus and an inflatable dinghy for the kids. With oars just to be that bit more extravagant.'

'We had a party for the family at the local Pizza Express. We had starters, mains, desserts and even had coffees. People must have thought we were the Royal Family or something.'

'Then it all went downhill', Mrs Beardyface said solemnly 'My husband decided to buy some crack cocaine off a dealer he met in the Pizza Express toilets and by the time he'd dried his hands he was spending almost a grand a minute to feed his sudden habit. He returned to the table with four prostitutes who had their bras stuffed with wads of 50 pound notes and he was smashing our waiters head to a pulp with a chair. The police were called and they literally had to drag him out kicking and screaming. He spent the next hour in prison. But things got even worse after that.'

'The wife met a gentleman from Nigeria when she was stood crying outside the restaurant watching me being bundled in to the back of a police van. He told her that he'd take care of her now and all she had to do was give him her bank account details and he'd ensure she'd be happy for the rest of her life.'

'Obviously she was feeling vulnerable so she agreed but before she could hand him back his handkerchief he'd dived straight into a cab and was speeding off to the airport.'

'That's it. All the money was gone, almost literally in the space of three hours'

'We've had to give back the car and the dinghy, we've moved back in with her parents and the kids have been taken into care, but I think we're happy again with the simple pleasures in life.'

Please remember that this is a totally fictitious story and in the unlikely event that the winners read this pile of crap then please note that I like your beards very much and I've always wanted to be your best friends ever since I saw you on the news this morning.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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