Gordon Brown today announced that as of next Monday morning everyone in the UK should stay in bed under their nice warm duvets until the temperatures begin to climb higher than the single figures they have been since the summer of 2009.
It's been the coldest winter ever. Even colder than the Ice Age that apparently wiped out all the dinosaurs. Glove, hat and scarf supplies are now at a critical level which means that the safest way to avoid dry skin, chapped lips and unsightly dew drops hanging from your nose is to pull that duvet over your head, yawn and go back to sleep.
The announcement was made after a series of mass demonstrations were held by people who were sick of waking up in the morning, running to the bathroom and shivering whilst trying to take the morning leek as quickly as possible.
'I like to savour every moment of the morning slash', an angry protester told us. 'There's nothing worse than standing on freezing cold bathroom tiles, if you don't have slippers or a nice little rug surrounding the toilet bowl. Whipping out your man hood, or your lady hood if you're not a man, and squirting every last drop out without having the chance to close your eyes, make that satisfying groaning sound and smile as you enjoy the relief of releasing eight hours worth of pent up golden piss.'
Other people, particularly those who have to commute every morning by train on a not very good rail service in the South East of London, were sick of freezing their bollocks off, waiting for a fucking train that's at least 10 minutes late or gets fucking cancelled without any reason whatsoever.
'I'm sick of freezing my bollocks off, waiting for a fucking train that's at least 10 minutes late or gets fucking cancelled without any reason whatsoever' a miserable commuter told us.
Last night, an urgent meeting of the cabinet was called to deal with the crisis and the decision to allow the whole population to stay in bed as long as they want, is set to be a vote winner for Gordon Brown and the Labour Party at the next general election.
A Labour back-bencher told us, 'People bark on about taxes being too high, the state of the NHS, the war in Iraq etc etc. But at the end of the day what the people really want is too stay in bed and go back to sleep when it's too cold outside in the morning.'
'Yes the economy might suffer because of this decision but a happy voter is a nice warm 'snug as a bug in a rug' voter. Long may this cold spell continue until the general election in the summer, when everyone will once again get out of bed and no doubt vote the Labour Party back in for another term.'