Local man Martin Shuttlecock was left in tatters today, his nerves in shreds following wife Anne's attempt to reduce the family's carbon footprint by buying a whistling kettle from an internet auction site.
The whistling kettle, which reduces energy consumption by operating over a minimal gas flame, as opposed to ripping the crap out of the national grid with an electric kettle, had only been in use for half an hour or so before it started to drive Martin Shuttlecock crazy.
"The water in the whistling kettle boils at a gentle simmer, which generates steam, which makes the kettle whistle as the steam escapes. It's too spooky for my liking. Way too spooky. It sounds like there's a desert wind blowing in the kitchen. Or an arctic wind. Take your pick. Whatever, it's horrible. I'm constantly on hooks waiting for something horrible to emerge from the kitchen. If this is what it takes to have a ready supply of tea, coffee, and hot chocolate, she can stuff it up her chuffin' arse. I'm going back on the beer, me."
Anne Shuttlecock urged her neurotic husband to give the whistling kettle a chance, assuring him that he'd get used to it. And telling him what an arse he is.
Martin Shuttlecock is still nervously expecting something horrible - probably with bloody fangs - to emerge from the kitchen.
More as we get it.