A crack team of hand-picked scientists have made a surprising breakthrough after police called an end to their search for some form of redeeming feature relating to John Terry.
Over 100 officers armed with sniffer dogs and metal detectors have been unable to find any trace of decency concerning the family man and Chelsea captain.
Detective Inspector Houseplant of Scotland Yard said: "It's frustrating to employ all these resources and to turn up nothing that could possibly endear anyone to the pillar-of-virtue rock solid defender".
Meanwhile, Professor Malcolm Forehead of the University of Tower Hamlets, led the team of specialists that made the discovery using a really big microscope.
He jubilantly told Reuters: "We borrowed a tremendously powerful microscope from NASA that is able to clearly define the very building blocks of life itself and coupled it with the Hubble space telescope.
"The results took several painstaking days of intense scrutiny but it was worth it.
"We can now say without any margin for error, that John Terry is quite good at football.
"Adolf Hitler was a tough assignment but this was a real challenge. You see, Hitler had an artistic streak and was always nice to his pet dog Herman".
Sources close to Tiger Woods would not speculate as to whether the permanently stiff golfer is considering paying a visit to the French trollop at the centre of the having-lots-of-sex-with-lots-of-men-who-play-for-the-same-team scandal.
Gossip columnist and part-time welder Deirdre Bollocks has, however, gushed at length concerning the upright, trust-worthy Terry's wife, Toni.
Commenting in Hey Pointless! Magazine, she said: "It seems a shame that no-one has mentioned the turmoil that Toni must be going through at the moment.
"The poor thing has managed to soldier on with her shopping and sunbathing as if nothing has happened."