Local man Martin Shuttlecock remained in hiding today following the horrific discovery he made Sunday at the Shuttlecock family residence - a discovery which caused him to flee the house screaming, wearing nothing but the clothes he stood up in, and carrying only a teaspoon.
It has since been established that Shuttlecock, operating under the illusion that he was safely installed in a happy marriage, uncovered the shocking truth about his hitherto beloved wife as he went to make her a cup of peach tea.
Anne Shuttlecock courteously declined the offer of sugar in her tea, preferring a synthetic sweetener. Martin Shuttlecock's heart momentarily stopped as he read on the label that the artificial sweetener was:
Being a man of the world, and an avid reader of satirical website theSpoof.com Martin Shuttlecock was well acquainted with the malevolent qualities of the seemingly innocent sweetener, its addictive properties, its outer space connotations, its alien origins.
Sick to his stomach, Martin Shuttlecock, realising that his wife Anne was an aspartame junkie, fled the house and has yet to return.
We tracked him down to a cheap B&B room in Southsea, not far from the family home where he told us:
"I just went cold. Of course I'd heard all about the evils of aspartame from reading The Spoof - there was even a writer on the site called 'Aspartame Boy' who was as nutty as a fruit cake, but who seemed like quite a decent chap for all that. To discover that my wife was a secret aspartame junkie - that we had pure aspartame in the house - was too much to take, so I fled the scene. I'm heartbroken, and I truly don't know what will happen next."
Anne Shuttlecock dismissed her alleged aspartame abuse as 'a storm in a teacup' and told us that if Martin didn't get his skinny, sorry arse back home soon there'd be hell to pay.
More as we get it.