Written by Bill Licks
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Friday, 5 February 2010

image for London Underground to go International
Next Stop Tirana?

Commuters on the Northern Line were recently told to expect months of delays and a reduced service whilst rail engineers perform 'urgent upgrades' to the aging tube line.

However, a spokesman for T.F.L. (Transport For London) has revealed that these upgrades are in fact, just a smokescreen for an ambitious operation to extend the line outside of the London suburbs for the first time in its 150 year history.

'Currently the Northern Line runs from Edgware and High Barnet in the North to Morden in the South', London Underground's chief Dick Parry told us. 'But I can exclusively reveal that we will be extending the service beyond the boundaries of London..... all the way to Paris in France.'

'It's a challenging but exciting project' he added, 'but when it's completed in approximately 2040, I believe it will offer our customers a convenient alternative to the excellent service already provided by Eurotunnel. '
He continued, 'obviously we will need to work closely with our counterparts in France who run Le Metro. So with their engineers going on strike every five minutes and our engineers only working during daylight hours, the operation might take a little longer to complete than we expect. But we feel that all the misery and frustration London commuters will suffer in the meantime will be worth it in the long term.'

'The name of the line will also change which I feel will also be of benefit to Londoners. The Northern Line's reputation has always been questionable so working with our friends in Paris we have come up with a new name to please customers on both side of the Channel. La Ligne Francais.'

'Yes, it may sound a bit French but if we didn't call it that then the French would not have let us use any of their train stations and made us put the final destination in the middle of a prison full of sex offenders.'

When questioned about the length of time to complete the journey, Parry paused for a moment. 'We hadn't really thought too much about that. But I understand that some Londoners currently claim that it can take up to three hours to go just four stops when excuses such as signal failure are bandied about rather foolishly. So in a worst case scenario, I would say that if you left Paris at 7am on a Monday morning in February, you should arrive at your destination in London at approximately 9am..... sometime in the first week of April.'

'At a fraction of the cost of using a Eurostar train I'd like to add.'

At that point Parry broke down and started rocking backwards and forwards violently in his chair. 'We just want to get out of London', he sobbed. 'All Londoners do is bloody moan all the time. If it's not the useless transport infrastructure, then it's the cost of living; the inability of the councils to deal with an inch of snow; tourists standing on the wrong side of escalators. They even bloody moan about getting free newspapers thrust into their hands at stations to make their commute home more bearable.'

'Why can't the miserable bastards just be happy?'

Similar projects are also currently taking place on the Jubilee line which is currently being extended further East to Tallinn in Estonia and also on the East London Line, which upon completion, will offer a service from Shoreditch in Hackney to Hobbiton in Middle Earth.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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