Written by Skoob1999
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Thursday, 4 February 2010

image for Media Blackout At Stamford Bridge
Vanessa Perroncel - SSSMOKIN'!!!

It has just been revealed that Chelsea FC have been operating a blanket media ban across all areas of the clubs activities. It has been assumed by assumptive types that the media blackout is intended to prevent the John Terry sex scandal revelations and the ensuing fallout from distracting the players as they mount a serious title challenge.

But not everybody is happy about it.

Doris Crumpsall, 92, who brews the tea for the playing and coaching staff told me:

"It's ridiculous. I mean, all the players get newspapers delivered, and they've all got satellite dishes, even the juniors, so it's not as if they don't know what's been going on. They'll be asking me to put flipping bromide in the players tea next."

Also distinctly unhappy was Team Transport Captain, Wilfred Bimmel, who reputedly snapped a pencil yesterday in a violent strop. He said:

"There's not much for me to do at the best of times, and this media blackout is really hurting me. The bastards have shut down my free internet access so I can't indulge in my vice of writing for top satirical website www.theSpoof.com under the pseudonym of 'Local Man.' It's devastating. I mean, here I am, right at the heart of the biggest scandal to hit this country in years and I can't even spoof it! My points are going down the pan, I'm sliding off the writer chart. I might as well go and stick my fucking head in a microwave. Or something..."

A spokesman for the club gave a statement to the press, saying that it served no useful purpose having the entire staff discussing who the club captain may or may not have been greasing the pole with.

The focus of all the attention, Vanessa Perroncel, the French lingerie model was photographed today walking about for a bit, popping into a cafe for coffee and a croissant and not doing anything really newsworthy at all.

Insiders tell us that Ms Perroncel cooks up her own salacious headlines - usually behind steamy windows.

More as we make it up.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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