Local man Berry Turnip, 28, was so infatuated with his brand new wife Mary that he literally loved her to bits.
A postman found Mary's shattered body lying on the patio surrounded with rose petals and heart-shaped boxes of chocolates.
"It was horrible. Her body was contorted as if she'd been hugged for ages", said the traumatised postman.
Berry's love for his wife was well known in the locality.
He proposed to her by spelling out the words 'Will You Marry Me?' in human excrement taken from a public toilet at a local sports event.
She accepted despite reservations about his sanity and hygiene standards.
For their honeymoon, Barry took her up a mountaintop, Ben Nevis, just so he could shout out his love for her and hear the echoes repeating ad infinitum throughout the hills and dales.
Ten sheep were killed in the ensuing avalanche and a local school was buried in twenty feet of rocks.
Police believe they have now established the exact timing of events leading up to Mary's breakage.
At some time after the pubs closed, Barry returned home with a bouquet of flowers and sweets from the local garage.
Just as Mary answered the door he pounced, hugging her so tightly that her arms and legs fell off. Then when he went in for the big slobbery kiss, he must have caused her head to roll off.
The elite rescue team of all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, who were involved in the infamous Humpty Dumpty incident of recent years, have been attempting to put Mary together again.
A spokesman says they are making 'shite progress'.