Written by matwil
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Topics: Alzheimer's

Wednesday, 3 February 2010

image for Dementia 'losing out' in UK funding stakes
'Worst need for a sense of humour bypass since they lost the Vietnam War in the 70s'

The Alzheimer's Research Trust today said that dementia research was 'losing out' in the UK to other charities. Their spokeswoman Artie Artfast said: 'Research into dementia simply doesn't get the funds that other groups get. It simply doesn't get the funds that other groups are getting, in the UK. We're losing out in the UK to other groups ...'

Minister for Expenses Claims Sir Hazy Bleary-Memoire supported Ms. Artfast's claims. 'I fully - is there one 'p' or two in duck palace? - support whatever the hell the ART are droning on about with their feeble PR release to get into the news', he said, 'and I pledge to take a three-month holiday in Croatia to research dementia research funding there, plus research the Croatian wine lakes and cheese mountains and maybe research their pornographic film industry. Be with you in a minute, Jackie.'

'Of course being British is rather fun at times, as you can write articles in dreadfully bad taste and full of black humour even about illnesses and have a good laugh about it all, unlike a certain republic across the Atlantic that doesn't seem to have any sense of humour at all. The more serious the news is, the more the British make jokes about it!'

Artie Artfast added: 'Thank you for your help, Sir Hazel, hopefully your comments will lead to an increase in our hopeful increase in our hopefulness, yes. So thanking you for your thanks, Sir Claimalot, and yes, the more serious the news is the more serious it is, and the more the British get serious about the news being serious. Serious.'

But in an ironic twist a government source told this reporter that Sir Hazy Bleary-Memoire himself had been struck down with the condition himself many years ago, and could never remember what he had claimed hundreds of thousands of taxpayers' pounds for, including a forest in Sussex, a weekend in Las Vegas, a day out at Ascot races, and 33 pairs of fire-proof La Senza lace camiknickers.

'I broke no rules', he said, when asked about the expenses claims, 'and I ... broke no rules. The rules were not broken, oh no, the rules were ... were never broken. I am not a cheap tealeaf that you wouldn't let within a hundred miles of your house, I broke no - no rules at any point.'

And Ms. Artfast also said: 'He broke no rules, no rules, no rules were broken. The Minister broke no rules, none were ... none were broken. And please end this tasteless article forthwith and eftsoons and forthwith, for - forthwith, eft soon soons, as it is in tastelessly bad ...a tad badly tasted ...'.

Some were wondering why national charities continually waste their donated money on paying PR staff to just to get in the headlines. Wonder how much research into Alzheimer's could be done with Ms. Artfast's salary?

Salary.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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