Written by Harry Porter
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Friday, 15 October 2004

image for Harry's Eton, Cheatin' Art?
Prince Harry's famous self portrait which is now being considered as worthy of a Doctorate.

Guffaws have echoed across England's fair land at the very thought that Prince Harry cheated in an exam.

This ridicule follows the accusation by a former Eton College teacher who claims she was unfairly dismissed for making a secret recording where the Prince, allegedly, admitted being responsible for a sentence in his A level art project.

For the well-heeled, upper crust at Eton, cheating is just not on - every word on every examination paper must be written by a serf - now known as a ‘surrogate candidate'.

Eton tradition dictates that no fee-paying student must write a single letter and the accusation that Royal blood admitted actually doing some course work has been dismissed as "total fantasy".

Lord Percival DeMontague of Wiltshire, a former Eton old boy and Grand Master of the Former Pupils' Association, confirmed that every student was required by constitution to "furnish an able servant" to undertake the exams but must provide the school with a copy of the legally-binding agreement with the surrogate and certified accounts of all payments made.

"This is something Eton is frightfully strict on," said Lord Percival.

"The paperwork needs to be in order, that would be the Prince's duty, and it is total fantasy that the Prince would have contributed a single sentence to his course work. That has been, is, and always will be, the responsibility of a hired pleb."

The role of surrogate candidates is well chronicled in English upper-class history - and the procedure has not always run smoothly.

In 1853, Thomas Fyfe, a 26-year-old groom on Lord Dassie's Wiltshire estate, actually failed his young master's Cambridge entrance exam.

On this being broadcast to the wider school population, Thomas was hounded by the entire sixth form and met a grisly end on the rugger pitch where he was stabbed repeatedly with over 80 quills.

But the greatest scandal came shortly before the Great War and the horrific death of 17-year-old Bartholomew Grimes.

He had been the understudy and surrogate for Viscount Smyth-Oakland since pre-school days.

In 1913, Grimes sat his master's A Level Latin exam, scoring an impressive 97 per cent and guaranteeing the Viscount a top place at Oxford.

However, the Viscount's arch-rival on the cricket field, Lord Barnsley Troupier, actually scored 98 per cent through his surrogate.

In a blinding rage, the Viscount forced Grimes to swallow his fee of seven shillings then the servant gagged to death after being force-fed his textbook of declensions.

Astonishingly, the law of the day decreed the Viscount had committed ‘justified homicide'. The illiterate blue blood went on to have a successful career in politics.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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