The US Embassy today upgraded their Tourist Alert to "Ridiculous" from "Slightly Amusing" today, as the assault against common sense continued to threaten UK-US relations.
According to a spokesman from the Embassy the upgrade became necessary after a host of complaints from free spending US travelers said that if they wanted to be harassed and taken advantage off they would have been better off just 'staying home."
One such tourist, who claimed she was an avid Anglophile before realizing her dream of traveling to England, said she was rudely treated at a local food mart where she "just popped in to buy a snack to go wit me tea."
The tourist said, that after tripping and fighting her way through a host of drunken yobs in front of the store, some as young as 9, she was prevented from checking out with her slice of 'onion & cheese" Quiche because she appeared "under age."
Other customers in the queue began harassing her as it took some time before her ID was confirmed by the checkie, an assistant manager, and finally the head of security for the firm. Although 24 years old, she was cautioned not to abuse the snack, and certainly not to take a bite while walking under penalty of 'a caution.'
Another tourist was flagged under the mandate of 'disrespect of a minority illegal alien' after refusing to enter a licensed cab where the driver could not speak English, choosing instead a cab clearly marked "English Speaking Cab."
This tourist, saying he had learned his lesson the hard way after being taken to Glastonbury when he said he only wanted to go to Piccadilly Circus, was taken into custody and detained more than 4 hours at a local lockup while officials in charge of 'racial discrimination' pondered the case. He was eventually released after he promised to spend no more time or money in the UK, and return home on the next flight.
He was also warned, in no uncertain terms, not to sit next to any unattended child under the age of ten or face the risk of being charged as a 'sex offender.'
Meanwhile proponents of increased immigration for penniless religious militants scurried about to spin the revelation that up until 1967 children of single mothers and widows were routinely shipped off to work farms in Australia and New Zealand in preparation to create more space for
"worthy religious minorities."
Tales just now emerging of beatings, sexual abuse, and 'slave labour', not withstanding, champions of 'The New Britain" say the social experiment was
"well worth it" and claim Londanistan "is the New Rio.. A Melting Pot of the New World Order!"
English shopkeepers continue to lament new policies imposed on their already overburdened staff to keep up with government mandates, which have recently gotten worse.
"Things were starting to pick up," said one employer who specializes in selling Chocolates," I tried to advertise for more help, but was told I couldn't use the term "only reliable workers need apply."
"Well, I changed the ad to read "unreliable workers welcome," and I even hired a few. This morning when I came to work to show the newbies around, I found they had all taken off on "Sickie Day." The shop keeper announced she would be closing the shop and making redundant 3 long time workers, and going on the dole herself. "Why not," she said, " I'll probably even get a nice council home and my weekly will even be tax free!"
Yet another working mother, holding 3 jobs to support her 2 young children was gobsmacked to find her kids were not included in government sponsored field trips from school to zoos, theme parks, libraries and historical museums. "I found out the government only paid for those trips for kids of mums that were strung out, unmarried, and living on the dole! Here I've been working to show my kids that the only way to get ahead is to contribute to society, and my tax dollars are going to these chippies!"
Putting an exclamation point to recent social changes in the UK, the BBC announced yet another award winning Realty Show, "I'm Hotter Than My Daughter."
The show features surgically enhanced mums showing off their assets, body piercing and tattoos while spending more money on clothes than their monthly substance allowance for food, rent and medicine.
As one frustrated and embarrassed teen told her mum on air, " For God's sake Mum, put yer TITS away, who do you think you are Amy Winehouse?"