Hamid Mohamid, spokesman for the Taliban in Helmand today gave an interview to our reporter concerning the armed groups seizure of The Best Western Hotel by force two days ago.
We were forced into action after using all of our mobile phone credit lost somewhere in the hotel's reservation system.
We aren't violent unless provoked but after 3 hours of being told that the hotel was receiving a high volume of calls and that our custom was valued we snapped and decided to go and check in in person!
Typical hotel!, moaned the bearded freedom fighter, see you arriving and everyone vanished.
Absolutely rubbish service, we'd even broken out one of our CIA sponsored Amex Cards to pay for the rooms and Shahid was eager to get the loyalty points on his Nectar card as he wants to buy a mountain bike from Argos when he gets home to Whitechapel.
Bloody silly hotel company, we just helped ourselves to a key and are currently barricaded in the "Elvis Jungle Room Suite" refusing to leave until something nice, tasty and Godwilling "Halal" arrives via room service.
Mohamid added that the group would leave peacefully if they could keep the bathrobes and shower gel.