Written by Skoob1999
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Topics: Fast Food, Local, Cold

Saturday, 30 January 2010

image for Local Man Almost Gets Hypothermia Waiting For 'Fast' Food Supper
Reasons To Be Cheerful.

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, was delighted last night when wife Anne turned up at his workplace in the family E-Baymobile to give him a lift home after a gruelling twelve hour shift, a gesture which negated the horrible necessity of waiting around for an eternity for a train at a station firmly rooted in the middle of nowhere.

The usual small talk ensued as the couple headed for home, with Shuttlecock eager to put his feet up with a nice cup of tea, prepared for a strenuous evening of TV viewing.

But then in a dramatic development, Anne Shuttlecock announced: "Do you fancy a fish and chips for supper?"

Not wishing to appear to be a miserable killjoy and being partial to a portion of cod and chips with mushy peas and curry sauce, Shuttlecock agreed, and even offered to pay for the tasty teatime treat.

So the ordeal began.

All appeared to be going well until the couple attempted to find a parking slot near the chip shop, which for a while seemed like an impossible task, as every parking place was already taken by hungry chippy punters, mainly Roman Catholics and fat bastards queuing up for their Friday "fix."

Eventually, with a parking place secured, it was agreed that Anne would go into the fish and chip emporium and do the business, while a knackered Martin waited outside in the car.

And waited.

And waited some more.

Martin Shuttlecock told us:

"She'd been in there for ages. She was good enough to leave the radio on, but I became disturbed to find myself drifting away as I listened to the 'Theme From The Magnificent Seven' and realised that it was getting colder and colder. I couldn't feel anything from the knees down and the windows were steaming up."

Luckily for Shuttlecock, his wife returned to the vehicle after almost an hour, clutching her bounty and exclaiming that the shop was packed with fat people asking for large everything, and "half clamped" people asking for small portions of everything with minimal financial outlay.

Shuttlecock complained:

"Fast food my arse. Best part of an hour for fish and bastard chips! You're having a laugh. We'd have been quicker going to Tesco's (but not wearing PJ's) buying a shovel and digging our own potatoes. And then hiring a boat and catching our own frigging fish. It would have been quicker in the long run."

Chip shop proprietor Ali Bullo defended the excessive fish and chip waiting time, telling us:

"Me have just one experienced staff man working. And two single mum's who not give a shit because them cash-in-hand innit. They piss about a lot. But fish and chips are good. Generous portions cooked perfetto. And cheap. Is worth wait. Much better than drive thru crap."

"Well," Martin Shuttlecock eventually conceded. "I suppose they did give us a buckshee carton of mushy peas by way of an apology for the delay. Which is more than you get off the railway operators. But it's no compensation for missing Coronation Street."

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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