Official papers just released have finally cleared up one of history's greatest mysteries. Why was Gandhi so passive? The answer: he was knackered because he used to jerk off over a hundred times a night. He was so tired he even wandered round in sheets with highly dubious stains all over.
When Gandhi was a young lawyer he showed signs of real passion and anger. However he was soon struck down by the medical condition Wankalotitis. Within months he had gone from wearing neat suits and having a career to wearing soiled bed linen and having no energy.
When he went to London and met the King he was said to have been so excited that he couldn't control himself. One spurt hit Stanley Baldwin in the eye. On another occassion Gandhi was asked to lead a demonstration. He did so with the chant "2,4,6,8 willies out and masturbate!" Quite what this had to do with salt we will never know.
Gandhi is one of the most famous wankers in history. Other bed linen tossers include Jesus Christ and Demis Roussos.