It was announced this week that Government investment in pensions has fallen £57 billion pounds below the rate required to provide for the United Kingdom's aging population.
It transpired on Tuesday that much of this confusion stems from the hijacking of language by a self-appointed elite, justified by obscure scholasticism. Turnip ‘Red' Adair, chairman of a special commission said the citizenry must take much of the responsibility for assuming there was ever consensus with regard what exactly a pension is. "To the average Joe on the street, down a mineshaft or in a mill, a pension may well be a sum of money paid regularly as a retirement benefit, but to the majority in Westminster it is a house or indeed a small hotel in Europe. It must be remembered that a pension always had less to offer than an hotel, was often smaller and was invariably inelegant. Indeed, they very rarely offered even breakfast so you can see why Mr. Brown had quite understandably overlooked £57 billion as gremlins in the MYOB software." Mr. Adair added, "a close friend of mine recently paid £3.5 million for a modest five storey on Connaught Square and that's close to Hyde Park mind, so you can see why they thought a figure of £57 billion for a two up in Dinard was beyond the pale." Mr. Adair refused to comment on salary caps saying only that organic contraceptives were not his department.
A further problem in funding pensions is one of an aging global population. The proportion of the population over the age of 65 will double by the year 2030, from around 8 percent to more than 16 percent. This figure is of course misleading by virtue of the fact it is a global statistic: in famine ravaged countries such as Sudan for example, the average pensioner is 11 years old. The phenomenon is much more acute in countries allied to the Applied National Utilitarian Scheme (ANUS), such as the United States, Western Europe and Japan. In those countries, the percentage of the population over 65 will grow from around 18 percent to a colostomy bursting 114 percent. A spokesman for Whitehall said today, "I don't wish to be alarmist but all the pensions in rural France would struggle to accommodate this number of wrinklies."
As we went to press the treasury was brain storming one possibility with regard the pension shortfall. A spokesman announced, "It's a well known fact that the next generation within this country will finish off the economy regardless of what we do so as a short-term measure we have decided to enter into talks with Sony and Microsoft to see if there is any chance of them paying out prizes on playstations and x-boxes in real money, which might at least afford average Joe the opportunity of paying for the upkeep of not only himself, but also his own bloody parents and grandparents. Freeloading bastard."