Written by Harry Porter
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Topics: Parliament, Scots

Monday, 11 October 2004

image for Scots celebrate closure of new parliament
The good... and the bad and the ugly

Locals and visitors alike packed Edinburgh's Royal Mile at the weekend to see the official closure of the new Scottish Parliament.

Only a few more millions need to be spent finishing off the site before it can finally be officially condemned and bulldozed.

Years behind schedule and 20 times over budget, the radical design of the building divided the nation between those that hated it and those who didn't like it very much at all.

Modelled on a basic African tribal hut, complete with a framework of sticks on the exterior, the building is already a celebrated eyesore on the Edinburgh skyline, with many a pedestrian seen rolling in the gutter, pointing at it and giggling hysterically.

So it was hats-off to Royalty at the weekend as HM The Queen raced north to officially lock up the new building.

Tens of thousands of onlookers crammed the historic 1,760 yards down to Holyrood chanting in cheerful unity: "Lock it, lock it, lock it".

The building, poetically described in the International Architectural Review as "… swelling and groaning on the fair complexion of one of the world's most architecturally interesting cities, as if a straining pus-filled boil, begging to be lanced and drained".

Rising to an astonishing £500 million from an estimated £20m, the Parliament was intended to give the Scots a symbol of its nationalism but, instead, affected a sizeable portion of the country with ‘Emperor's Clothes' Syndrome. However, the debacle over its construction has, apparently, managed to distract the nation from its footballing impotence.

Indeed, the official closure was timed to coincide with the Scottish football team's defeat by Norway in a crucial World Cup qualifier.

The country can now proudly boast to be the laughing stock of the world on two counts.

However, no expense was spared on the new Parliament in providing designer-comfort for the MSPs' backsides, with each individual office even coming equipped with a ‘think pod' window seat, allowing the elected members to ponder the imponderables while staring down at the plebeian taxpayers below.

Reaching the foot of the Royal Mile and only yards from her own impeccably designed Holyrood House, The Queen said: "It gives me great pleasure to officially close this… thing.

"It truly is a carbuncle on this fine capital's visage. Once it is removed, one will be willing to open one's curtains again."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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