Written by Skoob1999
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Monday, 25 January 2010

image for Johnny Come Lately Came Early
Good Lord! Is That The Time?

Local man, Johnny DeLaid, who has the unenviable reputation for being late for everything, shocked dinner party hosts Bert and Ivy Gladioli by showing up three hours early.

Too polite to tell Johnny to come back later, the suburban couple invited their premature guest in while they continued with the dinner party preparations.

"Big mistake," Bert, a retired bank manager told us. "We only invited him in the first place because he has a reputation for being late. The plan was to apologise when he showed up and tell him that all the grub had gone. But he came early. And like anybody who comes too early, he was very annoying. The wife was especially annoyed."

"Double vexed," Ivy interrupted.

So what went wrong?

"He wouldn't leave things alone," Bert told us. "He wouldn't sit down. He just kept hovering about touching stuff..."

"Not levitating," Ivy explained. "More, sort of lurking. That's it. Lurking about he was. Touching stuff."

"Changed all the settings on the computer he did," Bert bitched. "And he tuned the TV in all different on the remote and now we can't get Nat Geo Wild in HD. I was fuming."

"Fuming," Ivy confirmed. "And then, when I was making up the salad dressing he came into the kitchen and told me I was using too much white wine vinegar."

"Bastard!" Bert hissed.

"And," Ivy added. "He started trying to tell me why my white sauces were all lumpy. The cheeky swine. I don't make lumpy white sauce! What a bloody nerve!"

"Bastard!" Bert told us.

As Bert and Ivy really let rip on their premature dinner guest, we decided that it would be in the public interest to advise dinner party hosts against inviting Johnny DeLaid to any type of social gathering.

"It came to a head when he tried to neuter the cat with a tin opener. That's when I kicked him out."

"Kicked him out. Yes." Ivy concluded. "Bastard!"

"Not me!" Bert explained. "She means Johnny DeLaid."

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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