Outrage in London this afternoon as the French port of Calais trumpeted a marketing ploy aimed at the 2012 Olympic Games and naming itself as an ideal base for Olympic spectators and competitors during the games.
Mayor of Calais, David Dubonnet, told us:
"Calais is a mere two hours from Londres, which makes us more or less a suburb of Londres, mais without the rubbish food, ze crap vin, the hooligan element, the overcrowding, and ze manic rushing about everywhere. Visitors to the games will enjoy a better standard of life here in Calais, with superior food, drink, and our superb range of soft cheeses and overall joie de vivre. Come to Calais! It's really rather nice!"
Which prompted an angry response in London.
Derek Barnowl, Labour MP for New Cross shouted at our cowering reporter:
"Typical of the bloody French, this is! The bastards aren't content with setting up French markets in our south coast towns and cities, now they're trying to hijack our olympic revenue by describing themselves as virtual Britons! Soft cheese, good food and wine my arse! You don't hear the bastards saying too much about all the illegal immigrants they're lining up for us at San Gatte or in their refugee tent cities! We should have let the fucking Germans get on with it! Fucking French ingrates."
Mr Barnowl was then arrested and tossed unceremoniously into a police van, where he continued to rant and kick the doors. A police officer told us:
"We'll let him go when he's calmed down a bit. We're not arresting him, just detaining him as a precaution."
We asked the officer if he thought Mr Barnowl perhaps had some validity in his impassioned statement.
"I'm a police officer," he snarled. "I don't get paid to fink. It's not in my remit."
More as we get it.