Typical Englishman. Typical English Sunday morning. Coronation Street Omnibus edition on the TV. Surfing the net, checking out Google News.
Then disaster struck.
It came without warning, throwing Martin Shuttlecock's life into a maelstrom of sheer catastrophe, when Anne, his beloved wife, asked him if he would like a cup of tea.
"Of course, I said yes," Shuttlecock said from his doghouse. "I mean, who wouldn't? Sunday morning, Corrie on the box, Google maps on the go, and a nice cup of tea. Perfect."
At which point, Anne disappeared into the kitchen, leaving a parched Shuttlecock waiting...and waiting...
"I was left waiting and waiting," Shuttlecock explained. "I watched the clock for what seemed like an eternity, but which was in fact more like 55 minutes or so. There was no tea forthcoming and I couldn't hear the kettle on the go."
As his anxiety levels increased, Shuttlecock began to display signs of pent up frustration. It began with foot-tapping, then extended into humming, and finger tapping. When he started whistling the theme tune from 'The Good The Bad And The Ugly' by Ennio Morricone and there was still no tea forthcoming, things started to get really out of control.
"Not only was I parched," Shuttlecock explained. "But she'd opened the kitchen window as well, so there was a draught. Eventually I was spurred into action by dehydration, so I ventured into the kitchen. Then I heard her coming down the stairs. I asked her about the tea. Where was it? What happened? She mumbled something about having to empty her handbag. Said she couldn't help it. Then she turned on me. Called me a lazy idle useless tosser and sent me to the doghouse."
"He's a lazy little shite!" Anne snarled.
Negotiations to have Shuttlecock released from the doghouse are said to be at a 'delicate' stage.
More tea rage as we get it.