Written by queen mudder
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Topics: Iraq, Tony Blair

Sunday, 24 January 2010

image for Blair hires Oscars acceptance speechwriter, gets new dental veneers ahead of Friday's Chilcot freakshow
Thanks, Chilcot! Fifty quid in a Brown envelope and that peerage is yours for the taking!

London - (ScareBlair): Months of coaching by a top Hollywood pro specialising in political air guitar makeovers and Our Tone is oozing confidence.

Friday's performance before the Chilcot Inquiry will be a career-best, buoyed by a new dazzlingly radiant snow-white smile and strategic botox around the scowl lines.

He's even succumbed to Cherie's pleas for some oh-so-natural hair extensions on that shiny suntanned baldpatch.

And Lady Thatcher's famous Deep Throat voice coach has worked wonders with the toning of his oral technique, long considered to be of gold standard in the global piss process arselicking industry.

Sitting in the front row of the public gallery at the Queen Elizabeth Ratzinger Conference Centre will be myriad national lottery winners from Camelot Rentacrowd plc.

Cherie, the boys Euan and Nicky, daughter Katherine - all will sit just feet away looking on adoringly, happy and utterly convincing.

Nothing but nothing will mar the day's performance, not even that hidously appalling, grimly-predicted Sun/Mars astrological clash that Cherie's soothsayer has gone ballistic about.

"Hey, I'm a pretty straight kinda guy!" Blair reminded himself yet again today.

"Whiter than white! Purer than pure! Holier than thou and up yours, bastards...."

And somewhere in the bowels of New Scotland Yard a whoop of excited hurrahs reverberates as detectives probing Lord Hutton's gagging of Dr David Kelly's postmortem report find the fabled missing magic bullet of New Labour's 'non-existent' smoking gun.

Carole Caplin is a massive fibber, on a par with General Pinochet.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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