Written by Skoob1999
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Friday, 22 January 2010

image for Arsehole Shoplifter Caught Red Rubber Glove Handed
Another Shoplifted Chair Recovered By Police

A cheeky shoplifter's ten year thieving spree came to an abrupt end recently when he was arrested after being spotted by an eagle eyed shop assistant in Harold's Department Store in London's trendy Knightsbridge.

Ava Gander, 29, an interfering cow according to workmates was lurking in the home furnishing department, randomly spying on unsuspecting customers when she spotted something extraordinary occurring.

"There was this bloke looking at a cuckoo clock," she explained. "He was acting a bit suspiciously, but he didn't notice that I was watching him because I was hiding in a fridge and peeking through a crack in the door. Anyway, he dropped his trousers, squatted, and the cuckoo clock vanished. Puff! Just like that. Then he hiked his trousers up and made as if to leave the store."

Miss Gander though, was having none of it. She raised the alarm and security staff successfully apprehended the felon, marching him back to the store manager's office.

"It was a tad surreal," store manager Kelvin Megawatt told us. "I asked him where he'd stashed the cuckoo clock, and he indicated that he had secreted the clock up his arse. It was weird."

As the store lacked proper facilities, the offender was arrested and taken to Paddington Green Police Station, where he was examined by Police Surgeon and part time proctologist Doctor Vic Nicholas RN.

Renowned as man economical with word expenditure Dotor Vic donned the red rubber gloves and started to probe the interior of the felon's arsehole.

"It was unbelievable!" the Doc said. Expansively.

For, besides the cuckoo clock that the felon had stuffed up his arse, Doctor Vic also retrieved a Swiss army knife, a Take That CD, a Zippo lighter, three bottles of perfume, a loofah, a George Formby Grill, two toasters, a tube of smarties, a replica Chelsea shirt, and a tennis racquet.

The felon told Police Officers that he'd been shoplifting by concealing his plunder up his arse for ten years, and until now, had never been caught. When asked what his greatest achievement was in the field of up the arse shoplifting, he replied that it was a leather and chrome high backed swivel computer chair.

"That was a tough call," the felon said. "It took ages squeezing it up there, and even longer getting it back out."

The trial opens on Tuesday.

(With thanks to QM for the 'Arse Retrieval' post in the forum, which went a long way towards inspiring this piece of nonsense.)

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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