The shortage of jizz in Britain has worsened. Gordon Brown revealed today that the only big wankers left in the UK were in Parliament.
With the shortage getting worse British women seeking a bun in their oven have begun to search abroad in the hope that they can find Mr Right Wrist. Professor Jack Off of the Larry Grayson Institue for Sperm Collection said "Cracking one off used to be a major sport here. I remember hearing Stuart Hall's memorable commentry when Billy Smalls won gold for Britain. 'And Smalls is coming..... he's coming.... and Smalls shoots over the line. Gold for Great Britain'. Sadly, now we can't even qualify. Knocked out by some wanker from France."
Eileen Dover, a single lady with a face like a bear's bum, said "I'm looking abroad because no sexually active man will come near me and the shortage of donations gives me no hope of having a baby and getting a council flat. So I'm going to Sweden to see if I can get shafted there."
Meanwhile Gordon Brown has insisted that there will be a masturbatory recovery in due course. Tissues will soon be needed again and sperm production will no longer be subjected to a four day week.