The world's premier weather and climate study organisation, a staunch rival of the Met Office, are to officially recategorise and revamp their Weather Warning System.
For many years now no one has listened to weather reports after they repeatedly over hyped the weather. Examples are a warning of "Severe Heavy Snow" when 2 inches are forecast, "storm force winds" for breezes over 10mph and "barbeque summers" when torrential rain is forecast.
The new weather warnings will be accompanied by scary music and picture of mutilated bodies like on ciggy packets to get people's attention. Profanities will also be use in the warnings to make people listen properly.
Meteorological representative Floella Benjamin said, in one of the most profanity littered statements ever, "Ever since Michael f*****g Fish f*****d up the f*****g weather in 1987 no one has listened to a b*****d word we say and we've f*****g had enough. We are going to make you c***s*****s listen."
This reporter is not even sure what the last redacted swear word is.
Experts predict that the new system will work for around 10 minutes until people realise it is not actually snowing.