David Dowling, of 69 Oral Sex Street, Burnley, has described in graphic detail how he passed an enormous, wet turd through his arse last Sunday night.
"I had been out socialising with my Socialist friends at the Communist club on Lenin Sreet, when all of I sudden I felt a bit queer", Dowling, 32, explained.
"My rectum was tingly, raw and bulging. I knew I was in difficulties. I crouched low behind the wheel of a car and pulled down my pants and waited."
The sweat was pouring off me and I was in considerable discomfort. My mother had given birth to a child - me - and she once described how painful it was. I think even she would have struggled to endure my pain".
The 'head' of the shite peeked out but seemed to be lodged somewhere back inside.
"I pushed and pushed as hard as I could. My bulging veins and grunts attracted the attention of the neighbourhood cats. They licked me"
A woman watchinga cross the street through night-vision goggles called an ambulance. The emergency staff arrived 20 minute later. They were 'stuck' at the local McDonalds apparently.
Dowling finally delivered' a healthy 6 stone 7 lb lump of steaming shite which he christened 'SuBo' after singing star Susan Boyle.
"It was big and fat and covered in fine hairs. It seemed the most apt name to give it", Dowling shrugged.
A local museum has put it on display nest to a bust of Maggie Thatcher's sagging bust and Jimmy Saville's tracksuit complete with wank stains and cigar ash burns.